久違的一天

今天帶著愛睡的狀態去kpop party。一路上有說說笑笑。第一次和R團家族一起。很好笑。看他們rehearsal，一起吃午餐，終於要開始了。有點緊張因為要見到兩個團員。從那間事開始，很久沒見他們。一直在想會不會尷尬。可是我自己是沒怎樣啦。因為過去了。可是很怕他們尷尬。會不會沒有東西講。

開始不久後，他們來了。第一眼見面是很遠的地方。我在跟別人講話。見到他們，我第一個反應是開心的揮手。然後見到他們，只覺得他們很高 ＝＝｜｜｜因為他們穿高根鞋。沒有任何尷尬，沒有任何感覺，就很自然。好像甚麼都沒發生過。只是過了一陣子，我才回神。喔。原來剛才沒有尷尬耶。原來我們那麼久沒見面，不會有想像中的尷尬。如果是跟她見面，也會沒事嗎？

想了一下，音樂響起，我就沒想了。繼續享受party。到跳舞的時候，R團開始需要拉人了，當然我們也會被拉。我們是先全部去中間，然後到rania，我們就被推上台了。其實我沒有表演過這首，不過chorus可以跟他們一起跳，過後我們就很忙了跳舞，很high的玩。一切快結束時，我需要跟R團回了。到了安靜的後台，坐著的時候，突然很多感觸來了。

哇。好久沒有那麼開心了。好久沒有跳舞了。好久沒跟團員瘋了。剛才站在台上，很享受，不怕是因為還是有他們陪著。所以跳的很安心。以後應該沒機會了吧。我很想念他們5人。想念我們一起瘋。想著想著，突然淚水又來了。所以我就快快走來走去，這樣才不會想，不會哭。丟臉耶。當他們說，會call我出來，我很期待。

可是過後，有點笑不出了。所以在車裡，跟他們逛街時，一直在想很多東西。我那矮爸爸看得出我不開心。所以他有盡量跟我講話。當他們做按摩椅時，我又有時間想了。剛才我們大家好像甚麼都沒發生，一樣的high，可是其實已經發生了。

我相信他們對我的真心。可是，我想他們問她，她想我回來嗎？因為她比任何人都敏感，所以我很怕她如果看到我回去，一看到我就想到傷口。我不想傷她。其實我回不回都是她的決定。不是因為我壞人給她當。只是我真的不想傷害她。如果她還放不下，可是配合我，讓我回去，她會很辛苦。我不想在團裡給人傷害。我希望他們要我回去是因為我是真的重要。

這一切，很難講明白。因為沒時間。時間過了，久而久之，都忘記了這件事，我退團是事實。友誼也會淡。

想到這些我一直忍著哭。可是又不想跟人講話。有點失神。還跟他們迷失。。。回去路程，後面兩隻猴子睡覺了，我不想講話所以也假裝睡。

今天，有快樂，有期待，有感觸，有心痛，有討厭（因為看到討厭的人！那死人樣可以再串一點！頂！）

很期待下次的見面。我待在家的日子有點要過去了。因為後天要去kuantan！！！！

失望不及後悔大

華語底質不是很好。可是我想到這句話就覺得很對。我怎麼會那麼厲害的句子？？？ 哈哈哈哈

我問我自己，過去了就過去了，為甚麼還要去問？為甚麼還要管？不是我好人。我有我生氣和失望的時候。可是。。。失望，生氣，傷心，這些都會隨著時間過而消失。沒有人會生氣一輩子吧。至少我不會。可是後悔一定會一輩子。後悔這個感覺不會消失的。

我生氣她，甚至是他們，失望他們沒有叫我出來open talk。傷心和灰心。我先道歉，我自認我有出力要挽回這段友誼。我本來真的不要再管。如我之前說，我也有我的自尊。可是現在，生氣沒了。如果我放著不管，我們友誼會不會真的沒了？就算結果可能還是挽不回，可是起碼我努力了。也盡力了。所以不會後悔。現在雖然很有可能，把自己又推進去受傷，可是為了這段友誼，蠻值得的。最重要是不要讓自己後悔。不管結果如何，從以前放棄了他開始，我說過不要讓自己後悔。

結果是好是壞都好，真的起碼我努力了。

不知道是台湾回来后还是怎样，觉得华语比较能表达我的想法。哈哈哈

我很犯贱耶。说了各走各路然后不要管她。可是，，，，看到她上线，好像跟她讲话喔。看着她的名字。在想要怎么开头，想了很久，她下线了。哎。算吧。我很怕待会又伤到她。像上次一样，明明在骂着我，我还白痴突然跟她讲“saranghae” 因为我不知道她在讲我阿。我以为她很大压力。TT

我一直在想，之前退出理由是要保住友谊。可是，没想到还是保不住。常常对自己说，不要管了。反正我有时也不喜欢她讲话方式阿。可是老实说，对她又不是到讨厌。还是关心的。想到我们一起去帮人拍照。蛮开心的。可以跟她聊天也开心。因为觉得聊天后她会没有那么大压力。

可惜一切，都过去了。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

生氣

我沒有經歷過你們的生活。難道我一直從那麼遠去練舞是假的嗎？難道我是富家小姐嗎？早知道我就不要顧慮我們的友誼。退出了就不要吃回頭草。現在還被人家嫌 棄不讓我回。又不理我。好啊！隨便你們怎麼說我無情無意！其實說穿了！！！是你逼走我的。以前那位也是你逼走。現在也是。你們就過你們的生活吧。

我從小到大都有一個座右銘。不吃回頭草。可是為了你們。我沒有了骨氣。竟然吃回頭草。到頭來還是沒有被珍惜。我就是不值得任何人珍惜。那就我自己珍惜自己吧。我們就告一段落。一切就讓他過去。以後就朋友相見。算！

我也有我的自尊，也有我的驕傲。之前我真的真的很內疚讓團那麼多煩惱。也真的很想真心改過。可惜到現在我從你身上看不到要我回去的誠意。有人說，只要雙方都有誠意挽留這段友誼，一定能忘記過去。我覺得我已經付出了誠意。但看不到另一方有付出。那我要怎麼樣？說真的。不是一隻手能排的響。你受了很多委屈那我沒有嗎？你們說我的錯誤都是最近才發生的可是你們說得像是一直以來都是這樣。因為最近錯誤，把我兩年的努力都抹殺掉。我不委屈嗎？可是影說忘記過去，最重要是以後。所以我都盡量不想。只要改過，那就沒問題了。只要我改。我一直這樣想。可是你沒有給機會回去改過。你沒有要改善我們感情。我這個禮拜一直在等。等待那一天我們見面，我要好好道歉，然後大家擁抱。忘記過去。哼！！！！！！！！ 沒有人要我留下。

這次我真的灰心也很生氣。我以前讀那邊文章的時候，沒有生氣，只是很傷心。可是這次我真的很生氣。不管你們以後要說我小氣還是怎樣，我就是生氣。也沒有誠意沒有任何期待。是你把我完全的逼走。是你完全的讓我失望。我也是人。也有情緒。我不管以後你們怎麼講我。可是我現在就是生氣。

為甚麼以前有人離開？是他的錯，他放棄了夢想。她小氣。為甚麼我離開又是我的錯，我放棄他們。我們都是有同一個理由。難道他沒錯嗎？他說要我給機會讀他的信息。好。我讀了。耶冷靜了。也想改進。可惜沒人珍惜。沒人要給機會。我先道歉，然後體諒她沒有錯因為如果我是她，我也會誤會。體諒後，也放棄了我的骨氣和座右銘。想要回去。到現在可笑的讓人嫌棄。我真的食世界上最笨笨笨笨笨的人。只有我需要體諒，需要改。抱歉！我的自尊告訴我，已經是底線。

請記得，現在是你負了我。是你不要我回去。是你讓我灰心。是你先把我當外人。以後我們就各走各路！

speechless

my life seems pathetic after all.. and i seems useless.. not a good daughter.. friend..member..dancer..student..worker..sister.. wow! i'm not good

that's why i don't have bf la!!! how to attract ppl while you are good in NOTHING? sorry DA

and i am selfish.. i keep searching for their blogs beause i want to know how they feel and their problems everyday.. but i never let anyone to know this blog..

she said i lost or lack of trust towards my members.. actually it's because i never trust myself.. i trusted them last time.. i was confidence last time.. but after this incident.. every single tweets.. every single words, everything.. always makes me wonder are they scolding me? are they talking bout me? i lost trust now.. i used to trust myself for being a good member and friend. but now i lose that trust on myself.. since the day i realized i am not a good member, i lost trust, everything.. i'm overly sensitive i realized.. but i can't stop it.. because i'm lack of confidence... in fact... i lose it.. so i can't help but being over sensitive..

i felt stupid for not understanding their previous tweets.. half people asked me to go back so that i don't regret for the rest two months.. some people said i should just pull out if it's suffering.. and lose trust among each other.. and why let them make my life suffered..

i chose to go back because i want to maintain the relationship.. while isn't that reason is why i quit at the first place? so if i can't maintain the friendship now, it's not worth it when i make such breaking heart decision...

for the beginning till the end, the whole incident, seems to be my fault.. everyone (well at least those that involved) pointed out my mistakes and all these mistakes caused this to happen... i agreed that all this caused by me.. but who will realize.. i did'nt mean it.. lots of things happen for a reason.... and some of the mistake that they mentioned.. i only done it once.. but it's remembered often.. i'm now viewed as a person that caused lots lots lots of troubles and mistakes.. but i got my own reason for those actions that i showed.. nobody will understand... because majority said i'm a trouble maker.. slowly.. even myself convinced that i'm a trouble maker.. by thinking back on all this.. i am convinced that i'm the one who caused all these and make them tired..................

no excuse for myself... no reason... i am tired........................................... suddenly i realized.. they only know me for 2 years actually.. my best friends who know me for more than 10 yrs... knows me very well.. we understand each other feelings... each others thinking.. and after we fight or argued, we never remember those after the incident.. but not everyone like that.. sometimes.. those that had said... will hurt their feelings and that will caused scar in their heart.. so it's my fault for thinking everyone should know what kind of person i am.. in this world.. only God knows me very well... that i don't mean lots of things.. in the end.. it's still my fault.. why am i like this??????????

自信呢？

其實為甚麼我會受到那麼大的打擊。是因為我自己接受不到自己是這樣令人討厭。從小到大，都算是比較受歡迎的人。大家都好像很喜歡我。也養成了我這開心的性 格。突然讀到一遍這樣的文章。才會讓自己崩潰。原來我令自己人討厭。如果那遍是別人寫的，我完全不在乎。是自己隊友。才會崩潰吧

突然發現，原來我是這樣的人。這樣不會尊重別人，不會想別人的痛苦，不會看別人心情，不會體諒，反正就甚麼都不會。以前只聽過別人的稱讚，說我多麼善解人 意。哈哈 原來以前的人騙我耶。所以我現在找不到自己的尊嚴，自己的自信，自己的存在意義，自己的貢獻。真的找不到耶。從被人捧著然後掉地上。跌得很傷很傷。

我一直保存著我開心的形象。就是不要讓他們知道原來我跟他們一起是沒有自信的。從以前在學校做社團編舞隊長，在跳streetdance，一直都讓很多人同意我講的話。當遇到有人跟我想的不一樣。我就完全的表現出我的不滿。因為以前我都可以說服很多人。也因為我是PR，都能讓別人同意我講的話。沒想到我職業病到這樣。他們又不是客人，幹嘛說服他們？他們身分不一樣。是家人。我卻沒想到。

這一切一切都讓我摔的很傷。慢慢的，我沒自信的樣子已經表現出來。真的讓我很煩。可是我找不到我的自信。因為我沒有一樣東西是好的。我已經連我自己都不能說服。以後就乖乖聽別人講還有跟他們的腳步吧。這樣你就安全了。不是我以後不要提出意見，只是我找不到資格提出了。

自信！你會慢慢回來吧？沒有你，我以後怎麼工作！

no where to hide

i got no where to write my feelings.. everywhere when i write something, it'll misinterpret as i'm trying to gain sympathy or trying to hints... why everyone can write bullshit and scold someone in twitter but when i write it, it's simply trying to get attention.. can't i write bullshit too?

i made an important decision last week in my life.. its my first time breaking down emotionally.. i never cried like this in my life.. my heart never break like this into pieces before..before this, in Church Camp, pastor asked anyone need prayer of heeling their broken heart, i couldn't think of a moment where i'm totally hurt and still have a wound in my heart.. therefore i didnt step out.. but still Pastor came and prayed for me.. i don't understand what she was praying last time.. now i knew it.. i really need that prayer.. now~~ because my heart breaks..

these few days, everyone included my love ones keep asking me.. WHY WHY WHY WHY... why do i gave up on them.. why do i gave up on my dream.. why do i do this to them.. why do i make them so tired.. why do i think nonsense.. honestly.. i can tell everyone loudly.. i'm the one who suffered the most when i make this decision... i'm the one who is the most tired and depress when i make this decision... but no one knows.. it's just two months more to hang on.. if i only care bout my dream.. my stage.. i will just continue without knowing anything... for the big stages that coming.. but i can't hang on because i need to maintain our friendship.. everyone said i think too much.. but no one can answer my question "tell me what's the point staying in the group after u read the blog"" no one can answer me that... i know it's all misunderstanding.. and continuously i keep telling myself... actually u can't blame her from misunderstanding.. if i'm in her position.. i will misunderstood too.. but i can't stop myself remember every single words from her blog.. do u know how hard is it for me? nobody knows.. just like han kyung.. last time.. we used to scold him and mad at him for giving up on his brothers.. making his brothers suffered.. but if he wasn't suffered till he can't stand it.. he wouldn't do that decision.. it's really hard..

right now, everyone said chill, and u can go back cause they will welcome u.. even they said that.. but when u are chilled, think about it.. can everyone pretend nothing happens? we continue our life like nothing happen? if i go back, it'll only be awkward for us.. so another question, what's the point of going back now? because of my dream and my stages? i don't care bout those compares to their feelings.. i don't want them to be awkward.. i want them to be crazy like last time.. i used to be very naive.. i wanted to be naive this time.. go back pretend nothing happen! dance on the stage! but i can't do that now.. i'm forced to think multiple times now.. i don't care bout the fame on stage now.. i care bout them.. stage and performances are nothing compare to them... of course i do feel sad that i couldn't stand on stage with them anymore.. that breaks my heart too but what really breaks my heart was.. i have to leave them...

nobody understands.. everyone will just keep blaming the one who break up... just like a couple.. the one who breaks up is always the evil one.. it's ok.. let them be.. i don't mind getting scolded.. whenever they scold me, not that i'm gonna lose some meat.. all i want now is.. we can still be friends.. that's what really meant for me.. in my life, besides God and family, friendship is the important element.. i don't want to lose it..