speechless

my life seems pathetic after all.. and i seems useless.. not a good daughter.. friend..member..dancer..student..worker..sister.. wow! i'm not good

that's why i don't have bf la!!! how to attract ppl while you are good in NOTHING? sorry DA

and i am selfish.. i keep searching for their blogs beause i want to know how they feel and their problems everyday.. but i never let anyone to know this blog..

she said i lost or lack of trust towards my members.. actually it's because i never trust myself.. i trusted them last time.. i was confidence last time.. but after this incident.. every single tweets.. every single words, everything.. always makes me wonder are they scolding me? are they talking bout me? i lost trust now.. i used to trust myself for being a good member and friend. but now i lose that trust on myself.. since the day i realized i am not a good member, i lost trust, everything.. i'm overly sensitive i realized.. but i can't stop it.. because i'm lack of confidence... in fact... i lose it.. so i can't help but being over sensitive..

i felt stupid for not understanding their previous tweets.. half people asked me to go back so that i don't regret for the rest two months.. some people said i should just pull out if it's suffering.. and lose trust among each other.. and why let them make my life suffered..

i chose to go back because i want to maintain the relationship.. while isn't that reason is why i quit at the first place? so if i can't maintain the friendship now, it's not worth it when i make such breaking heart decision...

for the beginning till the end, the whole incident, seems to be my fault.. everyone (well at least those that involved) pointed out my mistakes and all these mistakes caused this to happen... i agreed that all this caused by me.. but who will realize.. i did'nt mean it.. lots of things happen for a reason.... and some of the mistake that they mentioned.. i only done it once.. but it's remembered often.. i'm now viewed as a person that caused lots lots lots of troubles and mistakes.. but i got my own reason for those actions that i showed.. nobody will understand... because majority said i'm a trouble maker.. slowly.. even myself convinced that i'm a trouble maker.. by thinking back on all this.. i am convinced that i'm the one who caused all these and make them tired..................

no excuse for myself... no reason... i am tired........................................... suddenly i realized.. they only know me for 2 years actually.. my best friends who know me for more than 10 yrs... knows me very well.. we understand each other feelings... each others thinking.. and after we fight or argued, we never remember those after the incident.. but not everyone like that.. sometimes.. those that had said... will hurt their feelings and that will caused scar in their heart.. so it's my fault for thinking everyone should know what kind of person i am.. in this world.. only God knows me very well... that i don't mean lots of things.. in the end.. it's still my fault.. why am i like this??????????