anniversary

it's DA 4th anniversary.. i rmb i rejected the offer to celebrate 2nd anniversary with them two years ago because i wasn't a member of them.. and last year.. finally i celebrated anniversary with them.. haha and now.. i'm not celebrating with them anymore.. no more in the future..

i thought i will cry as much as i could on this day.. i rmb last year we were kind of in a rush.. we had a great time choosing infinite member's character.. we ate in BBQ plaza.. we were so noisy in the rest..

this year i'm gonna spend this day alone.. without any noises.. without anyone besides me..even the house is empty today.. i seriously thought i was gonna cry.. but even when i'm typing all this.. i do'nt even have tears in my eyes.. i dont knw why..

i had collaborated with one of the ex member.. of course i asked her why did she quit? cos from what i heard last time.. it's her fault quitting.. even i thought so.. but honestly... after hearing reasons from her.. it took a long time for her to explode.. now i understand.. half of her reasons similar to mine.. both of us argued with HER the most.. both of us can't stand her the most... honestly i am not patient enough to work with her..

and after both of us quit.. the problems are on us.. suddenly we are the one who gave up on them.. i mean yes we gave up and we decided to quit.. but something forced us to do that.. when i talk to J.. i felt soooo must better~~~ cos finally i can really really really find someone that understands my feelings and stand on my side.. we talked for few hours that day.. i am very sorry for her because when she quit... NOBODY talked to her after that.. none of the members asked her why.. and everyone just said it's because she's impatient.. she's not good in tolerating..

i didnt know that she quit until i came back from Korea.. i even bought her gift..and we got so many more stages after she quit.. she admited that she felt bad... i watched their performance right after i quit once.. i cried.. so i understand J's feeling.. really sorry.. after reading her blog.. i can truly understand her..

but now.. we are not regret.. because of many reasons... we are not important in the group.. nobody cares whether we leave the group.. we can't stand her.. and no members supported us or listen to us when we quit.. and lastly.. everyone blame us for quitting and make them cry...

i think quitting the group is the best decision i've made.. the only thing that make me depressed.. i can't quit peacefully.. i always hope in the future even i break up with my bf.. we can still be friend.. but now.. seems like all of them dont want to talk to me... it's ok... since i don't even feel anything now.. i think i really got no feelings and numb now.. 12 january.. it's just another ordinary day..

2011

i wanted to update bout my 2011 life also got no time.. these few weeks always busy with gatherings.. dinners.. almost everyday got dinners.. dinner with family.. dinner with my brothers and sisters..gatherings with friends..

i stated in facebook.. my 2011 was awesome.. cos i learned a lot.. super a lot.. i gained lots of experiences.. my 2011 can be divided into three parts.. before i went to Taiwan... i participated in two very big competitions.. and i'm able to dance on big stages.. in I City.. in Astro Hits.. and in Putrajaya.. i enjoyed those moments a lot.. i'm such a lucky person to stand on those stages.. and enjoyed those cheerings..

i headed to Taiwan in the July.. i experienced a great adventure.. i stayed on a mountain for the first time.. i be an English Teacher for the first time.. i had to deal with insects and worms for the first time.. and i grown up after that trip..

after i come back from Taiwan.. i experienced a great lose.. and i experience my first broke down.. when i recall my two months.. i was really depressed.. cried almost everyday.. didn't want to talk to other people.. i don't trust anyone anymore.. i decided to keep myself away from other people.. my best friend and my mum was so worried that time.. but now when i recovered.. i realized.. to be positive about it.. isn't it a good thing that i lefT? cos nobody wanted me to stay anyway.. now when i think back.. it's a bullshit saying that i think too much.. cos i'm forced to.. and now it's kind of proven that i made the right choice.. i never regret.. and i grown up again.. let me be frank.. though i gave many excuses why i left the group.. the main reason is I CANT WORK WITH YOU!! the main reason is i don;t want to continue to work with you so that we don't need to argue anymore.. but too bad.. i cant quit peacefully..

so to conclude my 2011.. i think i grow up more.. i'm too emotional last time.. i trust people easily.. i'm dependent on others.. now i realized.. not everyone understand you.. i'm not gonna be so emotional on 2012.. i'm not gonna trust people easily on 2012.. i'm not gonna be kind on 2012 anymore.. i'm not gonna depend on others.. and put too much feelings.. i want to be someone cool.. hahaha

normal ^^

it's been a long time since i last write a blog.. maybe because these few weeks.. there are people who listen to me.. who talk to me.. seriously these few weeks.. i'm really blessed.. i met up with my primiary schoolmates.. bcause my classmate getting married.. we witnessed their journey together.. since both are normal friends.. till both like each other... till parent disagree with them.. till they got separated becos the boy was sent to New Zealand.. and now finally they won their parent.. and getting married.. it's like watching a drama. with a happy ending~~ we kept talking about 那些年。那些年我们去过的地方。and met 那些年，一起追过我的男孩。哈哈 i didnt realized there were quite a number of people like me before.. hahaha

after that, i was kinda busy.. maybe i'm trying to keep myself busy.. oh then i went to MOA 2011.. meet the suju oppa again! it's my 8th times.. seriously.. they still touched me.. i'm still in love with them.. i met a new friend from SG.. so i wasn't alone in my zone.. we both had fun.. i purposely arrive the stadium earlier to help out mysj.. but most of them went to fan meeting.. and those who stayed were those whom i'm more awkward with.. she's there.. seriously... for now.. it's obvious that sh's ignoring me.. so i cant think of any reason for me to go near her anymore.. since she doesn't want our friendship.. or maybe she afraid that i'll hurt her or whatever shit.. i just don't care now.. i'm numb.. i am not sad or hurt even though she ignored me... i just got no feeling.. i won't make u annoyed by me again.. cause i'm not gonna go near u anymore.. for now.. i dont mind losing a friend.. it's ok..

before that, i talked to Jess.. we talked about how we both felt when we quit.. we talked about why we quit.. we didn't talk bad about her.. but just expressing our feelings.. i was so sorry for her cause when she quit... nobody was there to listen to her.. i know how she feels.. she admit she was hurt.. i'm sorry.. and i dont have much chance to spend time with her.. hopefully i can get closer to her.. ^_^ she's a really nice friend.. finally someone understands my feeling..

the concert was fun~~ i talked super a lot that day.. even kak fiza said i talk too much.. when she said that, i'm happy ^_^ it means i'm back to normal.. haha finally i talk.. and talk too much.. 3 months ago.. i dont talk and just keep crying.. and want to be alert with everyone.. just like a hedgehog.. i want to have a distance with everyone so they got no chance to hurt me.. and i won't pour out too much feelings..including my friends.. i'm glad i'm back to normal to my friends now.. i'm gonna be a hedgehog to people i meet in the future.. but not my friends ^^

心淡了。

这次我很肯定的告诉自己。心淡了。一直还有点矛盾，现在，尤其读了她的文章。我很确定我心淡了。就算在怎么心痛不能站上舞台，和团员们。可是一切都心淡了。

这次是我给自己最后机会。不要再回头。以前，失去他，也没想过回头。不要再为了她们回头。我曾经是一个自尊很强的人。不要再把自己弄的很可怜。抬头！！！！ 你没有做错事。就算有，已经道歉了。现在你是问心无愧！！！ 记住！

我说过，要变成很冷漠的人。我不会再那么替别人想，我不会再放那么多感情，我一定要学自私！ 这样我才不会受伤。我一定要有一道冰墙围住我。别人不保护我，我就自己保护自己。天天笑也被人误会成心机重。好！！ 我一定会像你说的，变一个心机重的人。

it's over

it's over it's over it's OVER! i have to keep reminding myself this! everything is OVER!!! no matter how many times you think of it..how many times you dream of them.. it's OVER! impossible to stand on the same stage with them now! cause you are an outsider! when can you get over this? don't you feel tired keeping that small hope? please wake up! even you dreamt about it.. you still need to wake up.. and face the reality! PLEASE CHRISTY LIM! please wake up la! when will you stop thinking and move on with your own life? when can you get used to a life that is without dancing and without them! please remember! you are consider an outsider.. Dawn's arch don't belongs to you anymore.. or either way.. please wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heartache

i went to their practice today.. seeing them practicing for new dance... new competition.. my heart pain..

i have no right to blame anyone because i'm the one that gave up on them.. gave up on all the stages.. i know i have no one to blame.. but still i can't control how my heart feels.. i know.. i am totally an outsider now.. none of the competition related to me.. i just felt... weird...

i thought i could overcome this feeling.. but i can't .. i'm an useless person... my tears never finish.... honestly.. why am i crying? why? it's me who concluded everything like this... who am i to even cry? i don't see big difference in the group without me.. but i can clearly difference in my life without them.. i lost chances of dancing.. i lost 5 precious members.. even though we are still friends.. but i know we are not that close anymore.. i lost a big part in my life.. i lost two precious thing in my life.. dance and friends.. maybe i got chance to dance again but not as Dawn's Arch member.. honestly i dont feel like dancing on the stage without them with me.. i don't feel secure.. but it's past... i'ts memories..

i used to cried a lot when i watch SJ memories video.. because i felt sad that hankyung left.. but now whenever i listened or watch those songs.. i can only relate it to myself... we used to laugh together.. we used to cry together... we used to gone through a lot...

honestly i hope they could stand on a big stage successfully soon... even though i can't stand on it with them.. but there's no one i could blame.. i just truly hope.. they will be able to be successful soon..

last time.. my dream in dancing was... dawn's arch got number 1 in any competition and we cry on the stage together... that's the scene that i always HOPE for.. but now... i think have to change to.. Dawn's Arch got number 1 in any competition and THEY cry together on the stage..

when i talked to suying.. sometimes.. i always mention DA as my group or our members.. but after 1 sec.. i'll change it to "THEM" of course i felt heartache everytime i have to change it.. honestly... i don't even dare to call her jagiyah now.. i'll call her Chris..

Why? why this happen? i envy those groups that members always say they want to quit but still able to solve everything and stand on the stage together.. sometiems i wonder.. how come our group cannot? once it's spoken.. everything is confirmed..

yes.. even though i never want to admit this.. i regret quitting.. because i lose my precious friends.. its the friendship that makes me regret.. i regret regret regret.. but nothing can be change.. so what if i cry non-stop? so what if i keep thinking bout them.. so what.. cause i'm the one that quit.. nobody will cares if my heart pain.. cause i'm the one that quit... let me cry for another week.. i hope my tears can end.. seriously.. everyone moved on.. besides me... T_T why? i always cry in the car while listening to korean songs.. there's no korean songs that i can not relate to them.. every songs seems related to them.. the worst thing is.. i cried hard in the car.. and once i reach somewhere or meet some friends.. i had to smile like nothing happen.. it's tiring..............................................................................................

how come my life so full of them? i realized this two years.. it's always dancing and DAWN'S ARCH! why is it like that? now i lost both.. my life is nothing..

见面了。。。

今天，终于见面了。。并不是什么open talk。只是mysj有舞蹈比赛所以见面了。

在一个没有预想到的地方见－厕所。。＝＝｜

吓到啦！所以第一眼我是有点不知所措。所以没有笑。TT 我不想的。然后进厕所后，我的心快跳出来了。其实我是很想抱她们。尤其是我的jagiyah。好久没抱她。可是出来时，有电话。所以就没讲什么就出了。然后我们继续逛逛。遇到kpop朋友就聊了几句。然后我看到她们了。就尽力的过去跟她们打招呼。叫她们加油。觉得她们好有型喔！这样的打扮真的很帅。然后被人叫去别的地方。

比赛开始了。当然有很多是第一次所以很紧张也很乱。可是我最讨厌人重编舞蹈。现在sj beast bb 的舞步很差吗？需要你重编！！！！ 看到我火都来了！ 我宁愿跳的乱可是也不要乱改舞步。经典的舞步都没有了。你们回去你们的领域啦。很生气。很讨厌！！！！

终于到她们了！我和盈喊得很大声。也一直叫旁边的朋友喊。她们很帅。我还为她们喊属于她们的fanchant。哈哈。。把don't don改去dawn's arch。

可是不知道为什么，看下看下，突然眼泪一直涌上来。我一直忍。一直不经意的抹眼泪。我记得，之前，其实我有梦过这个画面。她们同样跳两首歌。不同的是，henry是我当。因为我没有时间跟她们练舞所以就当henry。可是起码我是一起跳的。看完她们，还要看progression。很尽力的喊。完毕了。我就冲去厕所。然后抱着盈就哭了起来。我一直努力笑。一直说没事。可是眼泪很不争气一直掉。 然后收拾心情。洗脸就去看看结果。

她们拿第三。超不开心咯。输给我讨厌的那一组。替她们不爽。过后我就立刻想离开。因为我怕眼泪又掉。就跟很多朋友告别。看到她们很忙的拍照。不知道要怎么跟她们告别。矮爸爸说，为什么我不去找她们拍照？讲话？我就说，已经讲话啦。你要我怎样？去抱她们啊？他说，就去抱啊！！！ 我真的无语。过后，我就跟von说我要走了。帮我跟她们讲。她说“真的不要跟她们讲话？？我帮你叫她们” okok 我去找她们。我就过去要跟她们拍照。看到她们没事，我也自然的跟她们讲话。然后她们需要上台拍照。我就跟von假装粉丝上去。我还一直很想她们的crazy fans。哈哈。

她们说待会吃饭再打给我。其实我看的出，队长好像没有很舒服的样子。不知道是因为看到我还是因为不满意表演／结果。 我们并没有讲话。因为大家很忙。离开后，我们到处逛街。我一直想，其实为什么大家叫我过去跟她们讲话。她们不能过来吗？我没有后悔主动跟她们讲话。因为我开心可以讲话。可是为什么一定是我主动？其实我也是一个被动的人。盈说因为我的形象是这样。主动，乐观跟开心。所以如果我有一点发呆没有笑，大家都会觉得我生气，伤心。可是我也不能一直笑的啊。刚才明明就伤心，不知道为什么心痛可是还是要一直笑。很累。别人问我为什么没跳，我笑笑的说，因为我没时间啊。

我突然讨厌这个形象。如果我是一个很cool的人，那我的笑容是可贵的吧。我并不是一个很主动，很友善的。又让我想起，要当一个冷漠的人。以后我踏出社会，我要当一个冷冷的人。还是需要冰墙围着我。这样我才百毒不侵。

我是不是一个可笑的人。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。冷漠又当不成。乐观又很累。去死了算！！

我的秘密基地

有一个让我可以吐尽所有的事的地方，真好。。。

文字的确能让我轻松。不想跟任何人讲话。就来这里。不想出声，就来这里把所有东西写出来。原来我christy lim 也会有不想讲话的时候。也有自闭的时候。还好我记得我还有一个blog。以前我很讨厌写字。我觉得人要用嘴巴把所有事讲出来才会轻松。可是现在，没有人听之外，我不想讲。有点讨厌讲话。

没有人懂。只有我懂。没有人会看，没有人会了解。起码我轻松了。不需要任何人的关心，不需要任何人的同情。我现在过的很好。虽然，我想到我要变冷漠的人，我眼泪又来了。是对以前那开朗的christy有点想念吗？不舍得。。。。 以前，我很爱笑，很爱讲话。嘴巴不可能停。我很乐观。很爱哭。很容易相信人。因为人之初，性本善。她没杀我那不需要理它。很容易忘记伤心。

到底以前的那位christy，是一位可笑的人，还是一位可贵的人？我心中的黑暗天使，起来了。它把阳光天使杀了。。。。。。。。。。

会复生吗？？？？？？

不知道，只是知道，我想念以前的那位，可是我知道她现在消失了。以前听别人说，长越大，笑容会越少，我不信！我要快乐开心到老。我的座右铭是天天开心天天笑。可是原来，真的不可能。笑容不可能跟以前一样多。只要眼泪不流都已经算好咯。流眼泪让我觉得我自己很没用。可能我真的很没用。

好想找个地方，发呆。。。以前我不会发呆，从山上回来后，好爱发呆喔。发呆很好阿。在自己的世界。。灵魂可能飞到某一个地方。。 好想在海边发呆。。。。。。