no where to hide

i got no where to write my feelings.. everywhere when i write something, it'll misinterpret as i'm trying to gain sympathy or trying to hints... why everyone can write bullshit and scold someone in twitter but when i write it, it's simply trying to get attention.. can't i write bullshit too?

i made an important decision last week in my life.. its my first time breaking down emotionally.. i never cried like this in my life.. my heart never break like this into pieces before..before this, in Church Camp, pastor asked anyone need prayer of heeling their broken heart, i couldn't think of a moment where i'm totally hurt and still have a wound in my heart.. therefore i didnt step out.. but still Pastor came and prayed for me.. i don't understand what she was praying last time.. now i knew it.. i really need that prayer.. now~~ because my heart breaks..

these few days, everyone included my love ones keep asking me.. WHY WHY WHY WHY... why do i gave up on them.. why do i gave up on my dream.. why do i do this to them.. why do i make them so tired.. why do i think nonsense.. honestly.. i can tell everyone loudly.. i'm the one who suffered the most when i make this decision... i'm the one who is the most tired and depress when i make this decision... but no one knows.. it's just two months more to hang on.. if i only care bout my dream.. my stage.. i will just continue without knowing anything... for the big stages that coming.. but i can't hang on because i need to maintain our friendship.. everyone said i think too much.. but no one can answer my question "tell me what's the point staying in the group after u read the blog"" no one can answer me that... i know it's all misunderstanding.. and continuously i keep telling myself... actually u can't blame her from misunderstanding.. if i'm in her position.. i will misunderstood too.. but i can't stop myself remember every single words from her blog.. do u know how hard is it for me? nobody knows.. just like han kyung.. last time.. we used to scold him and mad at him for giving up on his brothers.. making his brothers suffered.. but if he wasn't suffered till he can't stand it.. he wouldn't do that decision.. it's really hard..

right now, everyone said chill, and u can go back cause they will welcome u.. even they said that.. but when u are chilled, think about it.. can everyone pretend nothing happens? we continue our life like nothing happen? if i go back, it'll only be awkward for us.. so another question, what's the point of going back now? because of my dream and my stages? i don't care bout those compares to their feelings.. i don't want them to be awkward.. i want them to be crazy like last time.. i used to be very naive.. i wanted to be naive this time.. go back pretend nothing happen! dance on the stage! but i can't do that now.. i'm forced to think multiple times now.. i don't care bout the fame on stage now.. i care bout them.. stage and performances are nothing compare to them... of course i do feel sad that i couldn't stand on stage with them anymore.. that breaks my heart too but what really breaks my heart was.. i have to leave them...

nobody understands.. everyone will just keep blaming the one who break up... just like a couple.. the one who breaks up is always the evil one.. it's ok.. let them be.. i don't mind getting scolded.. whenever they scold me, not that i'm gonna lose some meat.. all i want now is.. we can still be friends.. that's what really meant for me.. in my life, besides God and family, friendship is the important element.. i don't want to lose it..