long long time~

i remember how i love to write things here when i broke down last time cause i have no one to talk to.. and i remember how i love to keep my memories here whether good or bad..

what happen recently? i mean.. in this one year? i got a job.. a permanent job finally.. i love my job even though the salary sucks.. but nothing beats interest.. hahahaha

i love my colleagues even though they love gossip.. but i love to get crazy with them..

i'm serving in the church.. taking care of Toddlers.. they are extremely cute! even though they are devils sometimes.. but soooo cute.. can melt your heart anytime..

my brother got married.. i love my sister in law.. and few weeks later... we found out that she's pregnant.. huiyo!! everything too fast.. but i was the only one that was excited when parents couldn't even settle their mood.. a baby in the house coming SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!

love life? my resolution every year.. to get a boyfriend.. hahaha sometimes i enjoy my single life.. but sometimes.. no matter how optimistic i am.. i need someone to cheer me up and sayang me when i'm down.. i'm quite girly on this part.. hahahah

the last time i got "good feeling" on someone was in Korea... we met everyday for meals or just to meet up.. but he's younger than me and i can't stand far distance relationship.. so i don't dare to step more.. and he's in military now.. like those typical korean drama.. =="

and my best friends were trying to hook me up with a guy.. someone i know quite long but not close to.. we went out for few movies.. he came to my cell outings.. honestly i was very impressed at his gentlement manner... he will always helps to take things.. for someone blur like me.. helping to take things can help me to prevent losing things.. hahaha anyway i'm really amazed on how good this guy is.. hahaha even though he treats me as a friend and he treats everyone the same.. i still think consider the possibility of us getting together~~ u know the single always do that..

i don't often go out with guys one on one.. and i hinted him on this.. i asked him out for few movies.. and i went before i know what the movie was about ==| but after few times.. i couldn't feel that he treats me more than a friend.. or he has special feelings on me.. waited for him to do some actions is tiring.. cos he just treats me as a normal friend.. after sometime.. my feeling fades and the timing is over..

now we can be best friend cause i still think he is an awesome guy and awesome friend.. i would really want to introduce him a good girl.. someone told me.. gentlement is always slow.. and take things slow.. or no guts in short words.. ermmmm maybe i have a tumor in brain.. so i always think life is too short for anything.. just do it if u have feelings.. he is too slow for not doing anything.. so too bad.. maybe we are just meant to be friends afterall..

i am a straightforward girl.. i think sometimes.. it's better to fail but at least u tried then just always having this thought "IF only i do this.. what will happen?" i think failure is nothing compared to regret.... ^_^ you won't know what will happen tomorrow.. why wait?

my first rebel

i'm a person that love clubbing last time.. but i can't go often because my mum is alone at home.. she never sleeps until i come home.. even if i'm in the club.. i feel guilty.. so i stop clubbing.. my dad set me curfew before he came down.. i must go home before 11pm.. ok fine.. i obeyed.. i can't drive alone to kl and most of the places.. it's ok i don't drive..

after dad retired.. i thought.. finally it's time for me to go out now.. and i'm 24 years old.. but NO! dad called me home whenever i go out because they got nothing to do at home.. so they can only think where am i.. when will i be home.. 8pm is late too! i almost argued with them when i sent my switzerland friends back to raja chulan.. honestly! without suying i can't drive.. so i can't survive without her? i was mad that time.. after argued for few sentences.. i gave up and go back to the room...

and these few days.. they just can't stop nagging me.. boyfriend.. my mum is worried that i'm single~! and she's disappointed that i got no date on Valentines.. ok fine.. i keep quiet.. then they nag bout me staying at home.. I GO OUT U NAG I STAY AT HOME U NAG@!!!! fine i stay in the room until dinner time since there's renovation anyway..

then mum said that i should have a part time job so i wn't stay at home wasting time while waiting for my full time confirmation.. OK! i went looking for part time and found one day care job.. then when i told them.. they said why waste time on day care... why not focus on full time! WALAO!!!!! i seriously want to kill people!!! especially when mum said " u think it's ok to waste time there then u go for it lo" i exploded! i literally scream back at her and i don't rmb what i said.. but basically i fought back.. and luckily i planned to go out due to renovation.. so i went out immediately..

i don't know where to go and once i got into the car i start crying.. so i drove on the highway... to summit.. then take a u turn back.. and i drove slowly.. after that i went to my fav cafe.. i sat at the corner.. staring at my laptop.. look for some dramas to watch.. ordered cappuccino and pasta.. then i msg bro's gf.. she kept asking me what happen and i start crying in the cafe T_T i tot it wasn't obvious.. i sat there since 4pm.. around 6pm.. the owner gave me a free Mocha.. with a message - Don't cry~~ honestly i was touched!! the mocha tasted really really good! it warmed my heart!

i really wanted to talk to someone.. i look at my contacts.. ironic.. i don't hv anyone to call.. then look at my fb.. 600+ friends.. but none of them i could talk to.. especially i lost them.. and half of my brothers in australia..

my laptop out of batt.. then i used my phone.. then it out of batt.. but luckily i called suying before that.. she came around 9pm.. i told her everything.. then she complains bout her job too.. we talked until the shop closed.. around 10.15pm.. so basically i stayed there for 6 hours? hehehe drank cappuccino, mocha, afagato, peach juice, ice lemon tea..

then i went to studio look for r team and sun jie.. until 11.40pm.. this is my first rebel.. i ran away frm home.. for 9 hours.. talked to brother about all this.. brother said i'm consider ok for my age.. hahahaha

life

CNY is over.. it's already mid of Feb.. lots of things happen.. it's difficult to tell what happened..

i had a good CNY... spent lots of time with family.. especially brother.. i'm really glad and happy to have my family with me.. including all relatives.. i'm really blessed!

house renovating now.. really really noisy and irritating.. free wake up call every morning... and the renovation make all of us in the house hot tempered..

i met DA again in a dance comp.. i didn't know they joined actually.. only 4 of them joined this time.. i have no feeling when i watch them dancing on the stage.. compared to MYSJ event.. i'm glad that i really let go of them already.. and as i said.. if they don't want to talk to me.. i won't talk to them.. no point for me to go near them if they are uncomfortable.. so i didn't talk to them besides CY cause she didn't join the comp.. so we talked..

after the event i walk to R team only.. and congratz P team.. and i heard E called me... the kind maknae.. she was teasing me wearing a short pant.. haha so i suggested to take a pic together.. but i didn't talk to the leader.. she was uncomfortable when i was there.. make me realized that now i am ok to see them face to face bcoz i didn't do anything wrong.. why is she uncomfortable? haha anyway i 见得人，拜得神。

after the event.. went dinner with Geruff.. and movie.. and all of us slept in the movie.. oh besides father and mother.. hahaha had a deep talk with sun jie.. she's a really good gf! my loudou should really faster propose! hahaha

anniversary

it's DA 4th anniversary.. i rmb i rejected the offer to celebrate 2nd anniversary with them two years ago because i wasn't a member of them.. and last year.. finally i celebrated anniversary with them.. haha and now.. i'm not celebrating with them anymore.. no more in the future..

i thought i will cry as much as i could on this day.. i rmb last year we were kind of in a rush.. we had a great time choosing infinite member's character.. we ate in BBQ plaza.. we were so noisy in the rest..

this year i'm gonna spend this day alone.. without any noises.. without anyone besides me..even the house is empty today.. i seriously thought i was gonna cry.. but even when i'm typing all this.. i do'nt even have tears in my eyes.. i dont knw why..

i had collaborated with one of the ex member.. of course i asked her why did she quit? cos from what i heard last time.. it's her fault quitting.. even i thought so.. but honestly... after hearing reasons from her.. it took a long time for her to explode.. now i understand.. half of her reasons similar to mine.. both of us argued with HER the most.. both of us can't stand her the most... honestly i am not patient enough to work with her..

and after both of us quit.. the problems are on us.. suddenly we are the one who gave up on them.. i mean yes we gave up and we decided to quit.. but something forced us to do that.. when i talk to J.. i felt soooo must better~~~ cos finally i can really really really find someone that understands my feelings and stand on my side.. we talked for few hours that day.. i am very sorry for her because when she quit... NOBODY talked to her after that.. none of the members asked her why.. and everyone just said it's because she's impatient.. she's not good in tolerating..

i didnt know that she quit until i came back from Korea.. i even bought her gift..and we got so many more stages after she quit.. she admited that she felt bad... i watched their performance right after i quit once.. i cried.. so i understand J's feeling.. really sorry.. after reading her blog.. i can truly understand her..

but now.. we are not regret.. because of many reasons... we are not important in the group.. nobody cares whether we leave the group.. we can't stand her.. and no members supported us or listen to us when we quit.. and lastly.. everyone blame us for quitting and make them cry...

i think quitting the group is the best decision i've made.. the only thing that make me depressed.. i can't quit peacefully.. i always hope in the future even i break up with my bf.. we can still be friend.. but now.. seems like all of them dont want to talk to me... it's ok... since i don't even feel anything now.. i think i really got no feelings and numb now.. 12 january.. it's just another ordinary day..

2011

i wanted to update bout my 2011 life also got no time.. these few weeks always busy with gatherings.. dinners.. almost everyday got dinners.. dinner with family.. dinner with my brothers and sisters..gatherings with friends..

i stated in facebook.. my 2011 was awesome.. cos i learned a lot.. super a lot.. i gained lots of experiences.. my 2011 can be divided into three parts.. before i went to Taiwan... i participated in two very big competitions.. and i'm able to dance on big stages.. in I City.. in Astro Hits.. and in Putrajaya.. i enjoyed those moments a lot.. i'm such a lucky person to stand on those stages.. and enjoyed those cheerings..

i headed to Taiwan in the July.. i experienced a great adventure.. i stayed on a mountain for the first time.. i be an English Teacher for the first time.. i had to deal with insects and worms for the first time.. and i grown up after that trip..

after i come back from Taiwan.. i experienced a great lose.. and i experience my first broke down.. when i recall my two months.. i was really depressed.. cried almost everyday.. didn't want to talk to other people.. i don't trust anyone anymore.. i decided to keep myself away from other people.. my best friend and my mum was so worried that time.. but now when i recovered.. i realized.. to be positive about it.. isn't it a good thing that i lefT? cos nobody wanted me to stay anyway.. now when i think back.. it's a bullshit saying that i think too much.. cos i'm forced to.. and now it's kind of proven that i made the right choice.. i never regret.. and i grown up again.. let me be frank.. though i gave many excuses why i left the group.. the main reason is I CANT WORK WITH YOU!! the main reason is i don;t want to continue to work with you so that we don't need to argue anymore.. but too bad.. i cant quit peacefully..

so to conclude my 2011.. i think i grow up more.. i'm too emotional last time.. i trust people easily.. i'm dependent on others.. now i realized.. not everyone understand you.. i'm not gonna be so emotional on 2012.. i'm not gonna trust people easily on 2012.. i'm not gonna be kind on 2012 anymore.. i'm not gonna depend on others.. and put too much feelings.. i want to be someone cool.. hahaha

normal ^^

it's been a long time since i last write a blog.. maybe because these few weeks.. there are people who listen to me.. who talk to me.. seriously these few weeks.. i'm really blessed.. i met up with my primiary schoolmates.. bcause my classmate getting married.. we witnessed their journey together.. since both are normal friends.. till both like each other... till parent disagree with them.. till they got separated becos the boy was sent to New Zealand.. and now finally they won their parent.. and getting married.. it's like watching a drama. with a happy ending~~ we kept talking about 那些年。那些年我们去过的地方。and met 那些年，一起追过我的男孩。哈哈 i didnt realized there were quite a number of people like me before.. hahaha

after that, i was kinda busy.. maybe i'm trying to keep myself busy.. oh then i went to MOA 2011.. meet the suju oppa again! it's my 8th times.. seriously.. they still touched me.. i'm still in love with them.. i met a new friend from SG.. so i wasn't alone in my zone.. we both had fun.. i purposely arrive the stadium earlier to help out mysj.. but most of them went to fan meeting.. and those who stayed were those whom i'm more awkward with.. she's there.. seriously... for now.. it's obvious that sh's ignoring me.. so i cant think of any reason for me to go near her anymore.. since she doesn't want our friendship.. or maybe she afraid that i'll hurt her or whatever shit.. i just don't care now.. i'm numb.. i am not sad or hurt even though she ignored me... i just got no feeling.. i won't make u annoyed by me again.. cause i'm not gonna go near u anymore.. for now.. i dont mind losing a friend.. it's ok..

before that, i talked to Jess.. we talked about how we both felt when we quit.. we talked about why we quit.. we didn't talk bad about her.. but just expressing our feelings.. i was so sorry for her cause when she quit... nobody was there to listen to her.. i know how she feels.. she admit she was hurt.. i'm sorry.. and i dont have much chance to spend time with her.. hopefully i can get closer to her.. ^_^ she's a really nice friend.. finally someone understands my feeling..

the concert was fun~~ i talked super a lot that day.. even kak fiza said i talk too much.. when she said that, i'm happy ^_^ it means i'm back to normal.. haha finally i talk.. and talk too much.. 3 months ago.. i dont talk and just keep crying.. and want to be alert with everyone.. just like a hedgehog.. i want to have a distance with everyone so they got no chance to hurt me.. and i won't pour out too much feelings..including my friends.. i'm glad i'm back to normal to my friends now.. i'm gonna be a hedgehog to people i meet in the future.. but not my friends ^^

心淡了。

这次我很肯定的告诉自己。心淡了。一直还有点矛盾，现在，尤其读了她的文章。我很确定我心淡了。就算在怎么心痛不能站上舞台，和团员们。可是一切都心淡了。

这次是我给自己最后机会。不要再回头。以前，失去他，也没想过回头。不要再为了她们回头。我曾经是一个自尊很强的人。不要再把自己弄的很可怜。抬头！！！！ 你没有做错事。就算有，已经道歉了。现在你是问心无愧！！！ 记住！

我说过，要变成很冷漠的人。我不会再那么替别人想，我不会再放那么多感情，我一定要学自私！ 这样我才不会受伤。我一定要有一道冰墙围住我。别人不保护我，我就自己保护自己。天天笑也被人误会成心机重。好！！ 我一定会像你说的，变一个心机重的人。

it's over

it's over it's over it's OVER! i have to keep reminding myself this! everything is OVER!!! no matter how many times you think of it..how many times you dream of them.. it's OVER! impossible to stand on the same stage with them now! cause you are an outsider! when can you get over this? don't you feel tired keeping that small hope? please wake up! even you dreamt about it.. you still need to wake up.. and face the reality! PLEASE CHRISTY LIM! please wake up la! when will you stop thinking and move on with your own life? when can you get used to a life that is without dancing and without them! please remember! you are consider an outsider.. Dawn's arch don't belongs to you anymore.. or either way.. please wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!