heartache

i went to their practice today.. seeing them practicing for new dance... new competition.. my heart pain..

i have no right to blame anyone because i'm the one that gave up on them.. gave up on all the stages.. i know i have no one to blame.. but still i can't control how my heart feels.. i know.. i am totally an outsider now.. none of the competition related to me.. i just felt... weird...

i thought i could overcome this feeling.. but i can't .. i'm an useless person... my tears never finish.... honestly.. why am i crying? why? it's me who concluded everything like this... who am i to even cry? i don't see big difference in the group without me.. but i can clearly difference in my life without them.. i lost chances of dancing.. i lost 5 precious members.. even though we are still friends.. but i know we are not that close anymore.. i lost a big part in my life.. i lost two precious thing in my life.. dance and friends.. maybe i got chance to dance again but not as Dawn's Arch member.. honestly i dont feel like dancing on the stage without them with me.. i don't feel secure.. but it's past... i'ts memories..

i used to cried a lot when i watch SJ memories video.. because i felt sad that hankyung left.. but now whenever i listened or watch those songs.. i can only relate it to myself... we used to laugh together.. we used to cry together... we used to gone through a lot...

honestly i hope they could stand on a big stage successfully soon... even though i can't stand on it with them.. but there's no one i could blame.. i just truly hope.. they will be able to be successful soon..

last time.. my dream in dancing was... dawn's arch got number 1 in any competition and we cry on the stage together... that's the scene that i always HOPE for.. but now... i think have to change to.. Dawn's Arch got number 1 in any competition and THEY cry together on the stage..

when i talked to suying.. sometimes.. i always mention DA as my group or our members.. but after 1 sec.. i'll change it to "THEM" of course i felt heartache everytime i have to change it.. honestly... i don't even dare to call her jagiyah now.. i'll call her Chris..

Why? why this happen? i envy those groups that members always say they want to quit but still able to solve everything and stand on the stage together.. sometiems i wonder.. how come our group cannot? once it's spoken.. everything is confirmed..

yes.. even though i never want to admit this.. i regret quitting.. because i lose my precious friends.. its the friendship that makes me regret.. i regret regret regret.. but nothing can be change.. so what if i cry non-stop? so what if i keep thinking bout them.. so what.. cause i'm the one that quit.. nobody will cares if my heart pain.. cause i'm the one that quit... let me cry for another week.. i hope my tears can end.. seriously.. everyone moved on.. besides me... T_T why? i always cry in the car while listening to korean songs.. there's no korean songs that i can not relate to them.. every songs seems related to them.. the worst thing is.. i cried hard in the car.. and once i reach somewhere or meet some friends.. i had to smile like nothing happen.. it's tiring..............................................................................................

how come my life so full of them? i realized this two years.. it's always dancing and DAWN'S ARCH! why is it like that? now i lost both.. my life is nothing..